Stillness and Rest: Not in my vocabulary

Stillness and rest are cornerstones of the Moms Collaborative and yet these are two things I oftentimes rebel against. It is not in my nature to take a break. I push on full steam ahead ignoring sniffles that could lead to colds, sharp pains that could lead to kidney stones, and nagging feelings of burnout ready to knock me on my ass. I started my business to help other mothers like me take a rest. I told myself moms need to rest, because we ignore our bodies signs yelling at us to take a break. I am offering mothers that break, but not myself. I am always the one great at giving advice and not taking it myself.

So, I did the one and only thing that would force me to rest. I got a really intense surgery. I literally cannot move. I had my abdomen sliced open to repair diastis recti and two hernias that have plagued me since the birth of my 3 year old son. I could have gone on living with the issues it was causing me and just suffered a little for the rest of my life. I could have ignored the back pain and shoulder pain and looking like I was perpetually pregnant for the rest of time. It wasn’t that big of a deal, right!? No! I actually advocated relentlessly for myself with all of my physicians until someone did something about it.

First I got a diagnosis from my OBGYN after I told her about the issues. No one asks a postpartum woman if something feels off about their body. No one tells you about diastis recti. I only knew about it, because of a friend. Diastis Recti is a separation of your ab muscles. Mine was so severe I could fit three fingers between them and started feeling my organs floating between the gap. It took 6 months of physical therapy, a CT scan, and hopping from one surgeon to the next to finally convince someone to sew my abs back together and they would only do it because it looked like a hernia.

I pushed for this surgery and now I am on bedrest. I hate resting. Sure, reading a nice book in a hammock on a beach for 30 minutes is lovely, but the stillness of being literally unable to get out of bed on your own, that is my version of hell. Now I must face all my thoughts and finish them before scurrying off to another task to avoid them. Thoughts like: am I selfish to abandon my kids for a week to recover from elective abdominal surgery? Will my kids hate me for this? Was this the right decision giving up all of my autonomy to my parents, who are caring for me?

I literally dreamt for weeks about the excitement of getting a chance to finally finish all of the tv shows I have wanted to watch uninterrupted or finish a book in one week. Every time my kids nagged me or needed me five seconds into sitting down, I dreamed of this moment I am in right now. And guess what, it sucks. I miss my kids. I am bored. My mama ADHD can’t focus on reading, scrolling, doing crosswords, or watching tv. I want to pop out of bed and go pee without a 20 minute ordeal. But alas, rest is important. Rest is productive. Rest is literally healing me. All moms need rest and yet we are so indoctrinated into thinking it is the antithesis of being a mom that we push it away the second we actually have access to it.

So, I say to myself and all of you out there who have been knocked down by a cold, a surgery, or godforbid something worse- listen to your body, not your mind. Rest. Rest. Rest. and also throw that mom guilt in the trash, because it isn’t serving you anymore.

Let’s lead the revolution for rest, healing, stillness, and community.

-Melissa Erickson